Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.

95% of our valuation comes from our domain name.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

We have more funding rounds than customers.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We got an acquisition offer! For our domain name.