We have more funding rounds than customers.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We outsource everything. Particularly, accountability.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We're building a community of confused users.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We pitched to 50 VCs. 52 said no.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

95% of our valuation comes from our domain name.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

We spent all our pre-seed on hoodies.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.