We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

After many months of hard work, we finally reached product-market confusion.

We're building a community of confused users.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

Our app does one thing well: crash.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We got an acquisition offer! For our domain name.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.