Our app does one thing well: crash.

We spent all our pre-seed on hoodies.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We got an acquisition offer! For our domain name.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

Our users love us. Both of them.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.