Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We're building a community of confused users.

We have more decks than users.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.