We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

Our users love us. Both of them.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We pitched to 50 VCs. 52 said no.

We spent 3 months on logo, 3 minutes on product.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

We have more decks than users.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.