Our app does one thing well: crash.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

Our users loved the product… until they realized it wasn’t free.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

Our users love us. Both of them.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.