We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

We got an acquisition offer! For our domain name.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We have more decks than users.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.