We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

We spent all our pre-seed on hoodies.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

We spent 3 months on logo, 3 minutes on product.

We pivoted so much our AI startup became a lemonade stand.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We are fully bootstrapped. Mostly because nobody wants to fund us.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.