We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

We're building a community of confused users.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

We have more decks than users.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

After many months of hard work, we finally reached product-market confusion.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.