We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We outsource everything. Particularly, accountability.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

We spent 3 months on logo, 3 minutes on product.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We pivoted so much our AI startup became a lemonade stand.

Our MRR stands for 'Mostly Rhetorical Revenue'.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

Our users loved the product… until they realized it wasn’t free.