Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We have more funding rounds than customers.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

95% of our valuation comes from our domain name.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

After many months of hard work, we finally reached product-market confusion.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

Our app does one thing well: crash.