We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

Our app does one thing well: crash.

We pivot so often our product has motion sickness.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

We outsource everything. Particularly, accountability.

We pitched to 50 VCs. 52 said no.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.