We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.

We have more funding rounds than customers.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

Our KPI is just how many times we say 'synergy' in meetings.

We're agile, mostly in our ability to find new excuses.

We have more decks than users.

Our MRR stands for 'Mostly Rhetorical Revenue'.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.