We are fully bootstrapped. Mostly because nobody wants to fund us.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

Our exit strategy is getting acquired for our office chairs.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

Our go-to-market strategy is hope. And prayers.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

We spent 3 months on logo, 3 minutes on product.

We have more decks than users.

We spent all our pre-seed on hoodies.

We pitched to 50 VCs. 52 said no.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

Our most active user is a bot we forgot to disable.

We pivoted so much our AI startup became a lemonade stand.

We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We pivot so often our GPS gave up.