Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

We spent all our pre-seed on hoodies.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We have more funding rounds than customers.

We were profitable once — in a simulation.

Our tech debt is so big it now has interests.

We have one strikingly growing KPI. Our churn rate.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We got accepted into an accelerator. Now we burn money faster.

Our roadmap is a series of panic attacks with deadlines.