We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

We're building a community of confused users.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

We were cashflow positive until someone asked what that meant.

We have more decks than users.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

Our app does one thing well: crash.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

Our users loved the product… until they realized it wasn’t free.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

We outsource everything. Particularly, accountability.