We don’t have users, we have survivors.

We pivoted from a failed startup into a podcast about it.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

Our app does one thing well: crash.

We have 14 daily users. And 20 employees...

After many months of hard work, we finally reached product-market confusion.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

We raised a pre-seed round. We now have enough funds to build our pitch deck for the seed round

Our mothers don't understand any sentence in our pitch deck. Neither does our team.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

We're agile: we run in circles, fast.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

We reached a hockey stick growth. Of our AWS costs.

We got an acquisition offer! For our domain name.

We do standups to remember who's still here.

We outsource everything. Particularly, accountability.

We have 51 microservices, 10 database, 3 domain names. And 2 users.

We raised a seed round. Now we can afford chairs.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.