We have more funding rounds than customers.

Our north star KPI is the percentage of buzzwords in our pitch deck.

We're in pre-pivot stealth beta alpha.

We're D2C: Desperate to Convert.

We found the perfect product-market fit. Our product is inexistent, and so is our market.

Our unique selling point is our creative use of Powerpoint effects.

We have more decks than users.

We A/B tested our landing page. Both versions failed.

Our CEO has one superpower. LinkedIn posts.

We’re not in stealth mode, just too behind to be seen.

Our growth hack was changing fonts and praying.

95% of our valuation comes from our domain name.

We pivoted so much that we developed the same product twice.

We reached a one billion dollars valuation. In Zimbabwean dollars.

Our product solves a problem no one has, at a price no one can afford.

Our business plan is just 'AI' written 37 times.

We have a unicorn valuation and hamster execution.

Our users love us. Both of them.

We have an amazing retention. We removed the unsubscribe button.

Our founder thinks JavaScript is a coffee order.